FORMER PRESIDENT CLINTON LIVING IN CA. TRAILER PARK, 'DOIN' OKAY'

by David Burge, the IowaHawk

Barstow, CA - Remember the fabulous 90's? For many, the decade was the era of baggy 'hip-hop' clothes, a booming stock market, and Grunge Rock.

And then there was the Whitewater scandal.

For most Americans, the scandal has become a hazy memory; for Bill Clinton, the healing has come slowly.

Once the most powerful man on Earth, the former President now makes his home in a modest house trailer on the outskirts of this dusty California city. He shares the trailer with his younger brother Roger, former broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera, and Jesus "Chuy" Ortiz, an undocumented alien.

Clinton, as you may recall, served as President of the United States from 1993 to 1998, before being felled by a series of financial and personal scandals. The scandals were collectively known as "Whitewater", after a failed real estate development in Arkansas, where Clinton once served as Governor.

True to his word, Clinton "never" resigned. Many will recall his sensational, internationally televised arrest. Deputies of Ken Starr stormed the Oval Office to find Clinton under the Lincoln desk, clutched in the fetal position, clad only in his underwear. As the handcuffed Clinton was dragged to the waiting police van, he repeatedly muttered the haunting sobriquet: "Bitch set me up."

Starr is now Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

During his sentence at the Federal Minimum Security Correctional Facility in Glenwood, Colorado, he was served divorce papers by Hillary Rodham Clinton. After an additional three months at a halfway house in Erie, Pennsylvania, he was judged fit to re-enter society. His parole agreement, however, requires him to stay more than 500 feet from any school.

Clinton earnestly tried to rekindle his once hot Beltway career, but few were willing to return his increasingly desperate calls. Deprived of his power to grant favors, he watched helplessly as former acquaintances canceled their membership in the once-exclusive "FOB" (Friends of Bill) club. It is reported that Washington power broker Vernon Jordan obtained a restraining order against the former President.

To add insult to injury, Clinton's once legendary allure with women all but evaporated. To add injury to injury, he was frequently pelted with garbage when spotted in public.

Unfortunately, his lifetime of public service left him ill-equipped for life in the "real world." The Georgetown, Oxford and Yale-educated Clinton tried his hands at a number of trades. For a while he did infommercials for an unsuccessful diet scheme, depleting his already tenuous bank account. He struggled to keep up on child support payments, but his bankruptcy forced former First Daughter Chelsea to drop out of toney Stanford University.

She is now a greeter at a WalMart in Emporia, Kansas.

He spent time plying his famous salesmanship skills, hawking timeshares in Florida and Mulitlevel Marketing schemes in rural Michigan, with little success. He hitchhiked to Barstow on a whim, and now works, with Ortiz, as a part-time leaf blower for the Kern County Public Works Department.

"Chuy's handy to have as a roommate," explained Clinton, 57, in an exclusive interview. "He can give me a lift to work when my car breaks down."

In contrast, his former wife Hillary has fared very well. Hailed by many as "the smartest woman in America," she was recently named Assistant Manager of the Lunch Rush Shift at the I-80 Denny's in Scottsbluff, Nebraska. She drives a sporty 1996 Dodge Neon.

Despite Hillary's success after their breakup, Bill harbors no resentment. "She done good for herself. I'm real proud of her," said the former Chief Executive. "Got any pot?"

He briefly regained the limelight in 2001, when he appeared on the syndicated "Rolanda" program and was beaten soundly by a female audience member. He now admits the appearance was "kind of humiliating," but the appearance fee was enough to buy the trailer in Barstow and new tires for his ancient, rusting Datsun.

Even though he sports a 5-day beard growth and is 85 pounds heavier than in his White House days, he is still recognized from the Whitewater days - unfortunately. A pickup truck full of teenage boys drives slowly by the trailer, smashing the mangled mailbox with an aluminum baseball bat. "You SUCK Clinton!" They yell.

"Third time this month," mutters the former Chief Law Enforcement Officer of the United States.

Now 57, with his best days behind him, Clinton has found contentment in Barstow. "I'm doin' okay. Weather's real nice. Gets kinda hot in the summer, though." He pauses to yell out the window at a barefoot neighborhood child bouncing on an abandoned boxspring.

"Hey you stupid kid! You're gonna cut your dumb-ass foot!" Clinton clearly retains a passion for children's health issues.

In a sign that his fortunes may be turning, Clinton finds a baggy under the plaid couch containing a small amount of marijauna.

Deeply drawing on a yellow plexiglass bong in the dark trailer, the former Commander-In-Chief savors his good fortune and excitedly outlines his plans for the future. "First, see, if I can gain 15 more pounds, I can go on Disability, and quit that suck-ass leaf blower job. Geraldo's getting a booth down at the flea market to sell my autograph. He thinks he can get three bucks a crack, and I'll get a 50% cut."

And, for the short term? "Maybe drop by Misti's, if she's not still pissed, and then hang around at the Circle K." Neighbor Misti Peaks, 47, is a former exotic dancer and Clinton's new 'first lady'. "Oh, Yeah," excitedly remembers the former Leader of the Free World.

"Lotto's up to $45 Million!"