New York (CNSNews.com) - New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's crusade against street crime remains in jeopardy today, as a recent wave of misdemeanors by First Lady and New York Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has left Gothamites gripped with minor fear and law enforcement officials looking for answers.

"I believe we have enough evidence to indict, but frankly we're a little worried about the political implications of arresting the First Lady," said New York Police Commissioner Howard Safir. "Not to mention the danger it would pose to the current inmates on Riker's Island."

The rash of crimes attributed to Mrs. Clinton began early this week, during a campaign appearance in tiny upstate Albion. After a breakfast at Albion's Village Diner, Clinton and her entourage failed to leave a tip for her waitress, Tricia Trupo. The incident caused a brief political furor, as Republicans expressed outrage over the First Lady 'stiffing' a $2.90 per hour waitress.

"I don't like to complain, but a tip would have been appreciated. Especially after making that big mess," said Trupo, pointing to the straw wrappers, sugar piles and exploded ketchup packets littering the First Lady's booth.

Trupo was further disappointed to discover several large wads of chewing gum under the booth's table, and an inscription reading "Rudy SUX!!" carved into its pink Formica, apparently with a penknife.

Emboldened by the episode in Albion, Clinton and her aides struck again during a lunchtime visit to the Diesel Heaven Truck Stop in Oneonta. According to veteran waitress Mavis Sloan, it was a perfectly executed "dine and dash."

"She was just laughing it up, ordering everything on the menu - patty melts, hot beef sandwiches, pies, breaded chicken gizzards," explained Sloan. "Then, just as I was bringing her the check, one of her friends faked a seizure. I went over to check on him, but the rest of 'em ran out the door. I tried to chase 'em, but the seizure feller had ran out the emergency door and Hillary pulled him through the limo window."

As they sped away, Clinton was seen triumphantly slugging the arms of her companions. Witnesses said she also stood up though the limousine's moon roof and defiantly taunted Sloan with her outstretched middle fingers.

"Now I'm stuck with a $37 tab that I've got to pay out of my own pocket," said Sloan, 58. The wizened waitress then sought the comfort of Patsy Cline's "Sweet Dreams," D-11 on the Diesel Heaven jukebox. To her horror, she discovered the ancient Seeberg Rock-Ola had been ransacked by the Hillary 2000 organization.

Over the next two days, Clinton and her aides cut a swath of petty terror across upstate New York, tipping dairy cows, smashing mailboxes and starting up unguarded farm tractors. According to New York State DPS spokesmen Frank DiGregorio, a pattern was emerging from Clinton's seemingly random vandalism offensive.

"If you look at the orange pins in this map, it's clear what the Clinton gang's ultimate goal was," said DiGregorio. "They were ready to graduate to the big time. These punks are targeting New York City."

When the First Lady and her entourage arrived in the city yesterday, they wasted little time in continuing the spree started earlier in Albion. Before dawn, Mrs. Clinton was detained by Metropolitan Transit Authority security after she was spotted spray painting subway cars at a holding yard in Baytown, Queens.

An interrogation videotape shows Clinton, clad in the famous 'pretty in pink' testimony dress, slouching sullenly in her chair as MRT investigators peppered her with questions.

"Go peddle your papers, screw, I ain't talking," snarled the First Lady as she filed her nails, which were covered in green spray paint. "Now are you gonna let me go, or am I gonna have to call Bruce Lindsey?"

Clinton was later released by the MRT due to lack of evidence. "The security photos are too grainy, so we don't yet have a positive ID," said MRT spokesman Eliot Glass. "Although, we've counted at least 31 cars that have fresh graffiti with Mrs. Clinton's tag, 'Village 666.'"

The brief interlude with the authorities did not deter the First Lady's campaign and crime swing. Her next heist was captured by cameras from NBC's Today show. While Clinton held hands and gazed dreamily into the eyes of interviewer Matt Lauer, her aides could be seen though the studio window furtively picking the pockets of the crowd, many of whom toted enthusiastic "We [heart] Hillary!" placards.

Her morning interview and theft schedule completed, Mrs. Clinton traveled to the Upper West convenience store of Rhee Pak Song for a campaign appearance and photo opportunity. It was an episode that Song will not likely forget.

"Hillary real nice at first," said the Korean immigrant grocer. "She talk all about high taxes and crime and how tough to be small business in New York. She say she good listen. Then I see her friends loading up pockets."

A jerky replay tape taken by Song's surveillance camera captured the incident. While Clinton occupied the unsuspecting storeowner with her standard stump speech, her aides were busily clearing his shelves of candy, batteries and lottery scratch-off cards. Deftly using the First Lady as a visual shield, a White House aide was seen rifling through a copy of Hustler magazine.

"Hey, this no library!" Song is heard yelling on the tape. Retrieving a broom from behind the cashier's counter he chased Clinton and her friends from the store, but not before they snared several cartons of eggs and a 12-pack of double-ply Charmin.

Song estimated his losses at "around a hundred dollars," but said some of the stolen items had enormous sentimental value. "They take my hot dogs," he sobbed, pointing to the bare rotating cylinders that once warmed his renowned collection of ancient frankfurters.

At her next stop, Manhattan's fashionable Bloomingdales department store, Clinton was less successful. Security guards stopped her as she was leaving the store, waving to a cheering throng of lunchtime shoppers. As she attempted to edge her way past the guards, several pieces of jewelry dropped from a "zip pocket" she had sewn inside her chic black jumpsuit.

"There must be some kind of mistake," protested the First Lady as the guards escorted her to the store's back office. Sources at Bloomingdales said that a search of Clinton revealed five layers of designer dresses, still bearing tags, under her suit. After a stern lecture and a campaign donation, she was again released.

At an afternoon rally at P.S. 206 in Brooklyn, Clinton delivered an address on education funding to an enthusiastic audience of teachers and students, decrying the fate of New York public schools under Giuliani. She promised as senator to boost test scores with reforms supported by the National Education Association, including the controversial "Cheating is Fun-da-Mental!" program.

Afterwards, while a throng of students was being assembled in the gymnasium for a group photo shot with her, Mrs. Clinton and Edna Holmes of the New York NEA suddenly asked to be excused to go to the restroom. When they failed to return, a search revealed dozens of ransacked gym lockers, their padlocks removed with bolt cutters.

School officials estimated over $260 was lost in the incident, as well as a eight switchblades and several crackpipes.

As night fell on the city, there appeared to be no relenting in the petty crime wave of Clinton and her band of middle-aged delinquents. In fact, the group seems to have gained strength with the addition of New York Knicks forward Latrell Sprewell. They are suspected in several Bronx hubcap thefts and last night's egg bombardment of Giuliani's Gracey Mansion residence.

The rash of crime may prove ultimately embarrassing to Giuliani, Clinton's opponent in the 2000 New York Senate race. In 24 hours, she was able to erase half the crime-rate improvement achieved under his highly touted public safety program.

Police Commissioner Safir urged public calm, saying that the NYPD was doing all it can to halt Clinton's serial delinquency. "We're putting all our best investigators on the case," said Safir. "Kojak, Sipowicz, Serpico, Pappy Boyle, you name it. We're even putting Wojohowicz, Yemana and Fish from the 12th precinct on special assignment."

Safir said the NYPD was also assigning a detail from their anti-gang unit. "It appears that Mrs. Clinton's group now has become a full fledged gang, even sporting colors," said Safir, pointing to the group's pink bandanas and matching leather 'Hillary's Angels' motorcycle jackets. "I don't even want to conjecture what's involved in their initiation ceremony."

Responding to a question from reporters, Safir said the renowned NYPD patrolmen Toody and Muldoon would be unavailable due to "a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights."

Despite the massive manpower put on the case, Safir said criminal prosecution of the First Lady may be difficult. "Look, I want her behind bars as much as anybody," he explained. "But we don't get many 'perps' who appointed half the judges in the federal justice system."

Criminologists differ on the causes behind Clinton's recent crime spree. Gerald Frazier of the University of Missouri pegs it to a lack of preventative discipline. "You have to stop this behavior early with tough love," said Frazier. "Once someone gets away with $100,000 cattle deals, perjury, and shredding documents, it's only a matter of time before they're stiffing waitresses and hot-wiring Oldsmobiles."

North Carolina 'law and order' peace officer Bernard Fife agreed, adding "You've got to nip it in the bud, Andy, nip-it-in-the-bud."

But criminologist Allen Armour of SUNY-Albany had a different take on the First Lady. "Hillary wasn't born to crime," he explained. "Like all of us, she's a product of her environment. Just look at where she's been the last eight years."

"There are no bad girls," added Armour. "Just bad voters."

Copyright 2000 DavidBurge. Email iowahawk_98@yahoo.com