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A BILL OF NO RIGHTS
We, the sensible people of the United
States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance
of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive
behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and
our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain
and establish some commonsense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
delusional and other liberal, bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are
so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You
do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of
wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You
do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom,
and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room,
turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full
of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You
do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You
do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation
of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation
of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You
do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from
the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You
do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us
want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You
do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or
coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to
spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a
military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You
don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you< to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You
do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have
the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you
are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of
you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
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